Editorial: It’s A Jungle… ‘IN’ Here

It’s been a while since our last post. My sincerest apologies to you, the reader. I have to admit, our troubles started when I made a claim that our writing staff’s jobs were “so easy, even monkeys could do them.” Outraged and offended, the entire staff of Comedy So Serious! staged a walkout. Needless to say, productivity has hit an all-time low.

I keep telling him to give it a second to load, but…

Yes, times have been tough for your modest moderator of internet inanity. With a staff comprised mainly of ill-tempered Baboons–and one Gibbon–I’ve spent most of my days hiding under my desk, tossing binders into the office across from me to misdirect the pack of savage simians. And although I’ve had numerous ideas for titillating editorials, the sound of typing on my keyboard incites murderous rage from the eldest Baboon. Fortune smiled upon me, however, in the form of a phone call!

Different phone call…

I picked up the receiver as fast as I could so as not to alert the monkeys and whispered, “Sal’s Pizzeria & Crematorium: We bake for your wake…” As I listened to the chilling, crackled voice on the other end of the line, it became apparent who had called me…

My Publisher

DEADLINES!!!

My publisher failed to see the heroism of cracking jokes at a time like that–monkeying around while the monkeys are around, if you will… YES! Still got it!–and instead offered some constructive criticism regarding the site, most of which I completely agree with.

I can totally see where you’re coming from…

And after several long pauses and awkward interruptions, my publisher offhandedly mentioned that local animal-control had received reports about monkeys in the area. She informed me to avoid the office; I informed her that I voided my bowels in the office, and we hung up mutually reassured, I’m sure.

Editorial: Notes From The Undernet

Time has a way of sneaking by. The routines of necessity have a way of sinking in. And we, the unwitting recipients of this modern era, have a way of slacking off. But there is a limit to how settled into the sameness of our circumstances we can become.

Eventually, every cog has his day.

Pictured: Eternity

But when the going gets tough, do as the Romans, I always say. There comes a time when we’ve got to take the gloves off–along with the scarf, hat, and intergalactic space-shades–and show them all who we really are!

Beautiful… no matter what they say.

Each of us is replete with a wealth of accumulated knowledge and experience, having traveled the world via Google Earth like an obese, tech-savvy internet-tabby.

It’s a real thing.

And, along our journey, we find that all the secrets of the cosmos are within hand’s reach.

“To see the whole world in a grain of fingernail dirt”

Reaffirming my philosophy of intense, rigorous, and relentless snuggling.

Master of The Universe

And while my aforementioned philosophical disposition might be a contributing factor in our blog’s decreased activity, we feel that our audience is satisfied.

Hmmm…

We simply couldn’t live with ourselves if we didn’t deliver the most informative, relevant, and pressing information to our readers…

Editorial: It’s A Jungle Out Here

The world can be a very, very strange place.

EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

In this mixed up skirmish for survival, men have been driven to great lengths… And, depending on the car’s mileage, some have even made it to Bat Country, NV.

An alert driver is a safe driver…

It takes a lot of courage and a strong will (Shatner) to resist the numbness of deep space, whilst traveling aboard this doomed starship.

“Stop almost hittin’ yourself. Stop almost hittin’ yourself!”

And when you least expect it, a stranger wearing a fashionable sky-cap–perhaps a Fedora, or a Trilby… or maybe a Pork Pie!–shows up and condescendingly waves his hands in front of your face, saying

Editorial: Polar Vortex Ridiculed Early, Freezes Everyone’s Face Shut

Without warning, with nary a moment’s notice, it was too late.

We. Woke. Up. Cold.

In 3 degree weather, no one can hear your freeze…

Science has termed this frigid phenomena the Polar Vortex, which I’m assuming means that a wormhole to deep space has opened in the North Pole, sucking all the oxygen and heat off of Earth.

Would you like a hot cocoa?

Clips from Jake Gyllenhaal’s troubling nature documentary, “The Day After Tomorrow,” reveal that we’ve known of this phenomena for quite some time.

The calm eye of the wormhole.

All across the interwebs, reports are coming in about record lows, cassette tape numbers, and 8-track temps. The question everyone’s asking: “Is climate change?”

Well… IS?

Happy New Year!!!

As unbelievable as it may seem, 2013 is coming to a close.

Next up:

“Damn! Just lost my wifi signal…”

And while time flies when you’re having fun, it started charging extra for baggage. Why, it seems like just yesterday when mix-tapes were actually on… tapes.

“Cool Nintendo cartridges, brah.”

And the future was brimming with possibility!

Introducing the iPhone 0.001

But we are a resilient bunch. Several billion bits of binary code have permeated our eyes and ears via the internet, showering us with good humor and merriment. The other several billion…

Merry Christmas from Comedy So Serious!

Happy holidays from all of us at Comedy So Serious!

“They’ll never suspect a thing…”

The Christmas season is a time for family, giving, and love, which is why we’ve been drinking mimosas since 7am this morning. We wanted to thank you, the reader, for your continued interest in our modest operation.

What happens at the North Pole, stays at the North Pole.

As tradition dictates, Santa has emerged from his arctic clam to bestow gifts on the masses. Hopefully you’ve received your heart’s desires. If not…

Futilely, Santa claws…

Just a suggestion.

Have a lovely Christmas day, and a happy, healthy New Year!

Images via: here, here, and here.

Comedy So Christmas!

Ladies and gentlemen, readers, skimmers, and browsers alike…

Welcome to Comedy So Serious!’s Christmas Spectacular!!!

All I want for Christmas is the pain to stop.

“Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the towns, children were winked at, responding with frowns.”

PedoClause!!!

“Such stockings were so hang, much stuffed with much gift. Very excitement. Such spirit, so lift.”

Rudolph the Wet Nosed Dogge

“When, suddenly, a sound rang out with such force, jarring and startling us from slumber’s sweet course. We rushed to the window, and what did we see? Jolly Saint Nick giving a kick to his steed!”

Editorial: Planetary Alignment Decreases Earth’s Gravity ~ Hoax or Prank?!

News Hound reported on a bizarre and exhilarating cosmic event said to occur this coming January 4th, 2014. It’s called the “Jovian-Plutonian Gravitational Effect” and it occurs perhaps but once in a lifetime. Pluto will pass behind Jupiter, and the two cosmic bodies will be briefly aligned with Earth, causing a temporary fluctuation in Earth’s gravity.

Pictured: Our Solar System… and what appears to be a Black Hole of “Nooope!”

According to News Hound’s report, jumping at exactly 9:47 AM on January 4th will yield up to 3 seconds of “floating” before you touch down on solid ground. Just as many of you may be reading this with a measure of shock and awe, the Comedy So Serious! team expressed an embarrassing amount of childlike wonder at hovering in the air… and, more expectedly, at temporarily weighing less. I admit, I too was lured in by the prospect of an “on Earth space-walk,” but my well honed journalistic skepticism told me to do approximately two minutes of internet research. What I found might shock you… Or not. It’s total bullshit.

Patrick Moore: The H.G. Wells of Astronomy.

The gentleman above, purported to be a British astronomer by the name of Patrick Moore, allegedly cooked up this Jovian-Plutonian Gravitational scheme as an April Fools joke back in 1976. Though disappointment rang like a bell of bitterness when I briefed our staff on this editorial, there emerged a growing respect and admiration for this Astronomer’s vision. He, like us, wanted to see strangers acting the part of the fool, hopping through the streets of Britain, swearing up and down that they felt lighter and were “floating.”

SCIENCE!!!

Three cheers, Patrick Moore! Comedy So Serious! salutes you in your obvious disregard of astronomy in favor of screwing with people!

Articles and images via: here, here, here, and here. 

Editorial: Time Is Immaterial… Literally!

Time, perhaps the most overlooked non-renewable resource, waits for no one. As 2013 winds its way down, we here at Comedy So Serious! have found ourselves in a somewhat reflective mood, mainly when standing in front of the staff-lounge mirror.

Typical lunch-break in the Comedy So Serious! lounge.

With nary a dull moment, this bustling metropolis maintains a watchful eye on the clock of capital gain, seeking to monetize every minute of time’s generous and mysterious offering. As they say, “if it don’t make dollars, then it don’t make cents, so what’s the sense of wasting time?”

Time lapse gif of time… lapsing.

But what exactly is time? Modern physicists agree that, while most (if not all) humans share a common perception of it, when attempting to directly observe time there is nothing to be found and quantified as such.

Editorial: Funny Ha-Ha, or Funny Ha-Ha?

In terms of an experiment, where a hypothesis is first posited, then tested again and again for accuracy, I feel that I can say without hesitation that San Diego is lacking in its appreciation of the absurd, irreverent, and offbeat.

Have you heard the one about California?

After spending nearly a week immersed in natural beauty, exchanging many a witticism with San Diego’s varied, sun-bleached residents, I have formed a rather disturbing theory: when it comes to sarcasm and random humor, the Left Coast is bereft most. Having waxed jocular with a number of waitresses, valets, and shop owners, it’s apparent that comfort, ceaselessly gorgeous weather, and image-conscious diets have all but eradicated the need for biting cynicism and insightfully witty commentary. Never have I appreciated the benefits of financial insecurity, self effacing tendencies, and a physique that is already a half written joke as much as I do now.

Of course, this editor feels that it would be remiss not to offer an alternate theory to explain the lack of laughs: it is possible, however remotely, that we are simply not as funny as we thought.

Impossible!

Editor’s note: No Californians were harmed in the making of terrible jokes. Annoyed, perhaps, but unharmed.

Gif and image via: here and here.