Monday Miasma # 19

Ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT a test… Please report to the nearest cubicle for reprograming.

IT’S MONDAY!

Andre the Client!

Some of us go to great lengths to escape the nagging sense of nihilism percolating within like the Mr. Coffee in the break-room of your nightmares. I myself always wanted to get into TV, but how I rue the day my wish came true…

You’re a star…

No matter where you are on the spectrum of wish fulfillment, Mondays can deliver a devastating blow to your relationship with reality. It is not uncommon to fold like a poor hand of cards under the tremendous weight of Monday’s onslaught, and collapse defeated into the Fourth Dimension.

Goodbye, cruel world.

Monday Miasma # 18

As the sun rises, all eye are on you. The weekend departs as quickly as it arrives–and as mysteriously–leaving us with the shattered fragments of wishes unfulfilled.

“Eye need you to come in to work.”

And as gratifying as it may be to unleash the pent-up animal-rage that’s been percolating inside of us on an unsuspecting inanimate object, say an alarm clock, we simply can’t afford to keep buying alarm clocks on our current salary.

Kill, Bill

And so begins again the Great Paper Chase. A lifelong, elliptical, and distracting pursuit of necessity, otherwise known as modern life.

NEED IT, GOTTA HAVE IT!

Monday Miasma # 17

Without even a glance toward the calendar, I know what day it is. I can tell by the mild, dull sense of dread that is percolating in the Mr. Coffee of my soul, brewing a bitter and muddy cup of truth:

It’s Monday

We’re into the second full week of January and some of us are still hungover from the New Year’s celebration we don’t remember being at.

And fugue-state times were had by all…

The spring loaded enthusiasm for a new year of possibility has released, and the collective re-cranking has begun. Resolutions struggle to retain their meaning, gym attendance is already slipping, dieting caveats have been introduced…

The streets run red with lolz.

And it is here that we find ourselves: at the crossroads of yet another year, another workweek, wherein the pursuit of self-aggrandizement is feverishly sought while at the same time furiously withheld.

Unless you live below this little rascal…

Monday Miasma # 16

Ah, the first Monday of the New Year. It feels–if you’ll allow it–so much like the Mondays of yesteryear…

New Year’s Resolution: Learn hands.

No matter how many cups of coffee are imbibed, or extra hours spent sobbing in the shower, the dim demands of a new workweek have extended their reach to us. We must traverse the corridor of capitalism once more.

“Nope… back to the shower.”

Our reflexes are slow, our minds sluggish, and our expressions are frozen “Oh Noez!” of torpid terror.

“Oh, yez!”

The Merry-Go-Round of this modern life is punctuated with Monday’s bog of banality. But, with a little creepy and threatening encouragement we can surmount anything…

“Good talk…”

A touch of positive reinforcement never hurt either, so here’s a wizened little dog mixing a martini for you. Should be ready about the time you get back home.

Go to your Happy Place.

Gifs via: here, here, here, here, and here. 

Monday Miasma # 15

Hark! I hear an angel sing! Wait… Nope. Not an angel. That was the “Harp” alarm setting on my phone. That’s right…

It’s Monday.

Time for my morning commute… into oblivion.

On this last Monday of 2013, we reluctantly arise, donning the bifocals of the bizarre and peering past the mundane into a familiar world populated by strangers.

“We’re ready for launch, Commander.”

Though the slight to our dignity and self worth is relatively meager, the cumulative effect of a lifetime of Monday mornings can be deadly. This is why we invite you to join us in the transmutation of tedium, where memes really do come true.

There’s a party in my nightmare and errybody’s invited!

So refresh your cup of coffee and plunge wholeheartedly into it, finding solace in its caffeinated inner-cosmos.

Do you take the red pill, or the sugar cubes?

Together, along with the intercession of the internets, we can transform this raw, bitter brew of toilsome tonic into something altogether ambrosial. Or… some approximation thereof.

Close enough!

Here’s to the swift passage of Monday!

Gifs via: here, here, here, and here. 

Monday Miasma # 14

Lo, and behold! The miasma of Monday is upon us once again!

If the workweek is a digestive track, then Monday is the primary cause of all allegorical acid-refulx.

Gimme a B! Gimme an A! Gimme a R! Gimme a F! What does that spell?!?!

The figurative face-plant that ensues scatters us in a myriad of directions, causing a small, invisible mutiny of motives within us. A hundred wishes wantonly wandering in different directions, seeking fulfillment that we intuit shan’t arrive.

“I’m up… I’m up. I’m down.”

And while we give our best at each juncture of challenge and opportunity, it seems that we are unable to perform the simple tasks required to function adequately.

Nailed it.

Monday Miasma # 12

If you’re reading this, then it’s already too late. The workweek has begun anew, dispatching its most cruel and twisted mechanisms of mediocrity!

Monday in a nutshell.

Even the most graceful of parries seems to backfire, culminating in a loss of both dignity and… beverages.

Not my BEVERAGES!!!

The inescapable miasma of Monday doubles back on itself, returning again and again to rear its fearsome, familiar features.

Please… Make. It. Stop.

But, in spite of the indignities suffered and the injustices sustained, there is a silver lining. For in time, after facing the beast of boredom, the human spirit shall triumph! Inspiration and ingenuity will resurface, and we will find a way!

A Monday well spent, I’d say.

Here’s to the swift passage of the first day back at work! This cookie’s for you.

Gifs via: here, here, here, and here. 

Monday Miasma # 11

The great and terrible falcon of injustice has clasped us within its burdensome beak once again! The Mallard of Monday hath descended!

We can only hope that our ultimate demise comes swiftly…

Not even the taste of our go-to comforts retain their flavorful relief. We are at the forefront of another week, victims of time’s fleeting, faceted features.

It’s a vicious cycle…

But, much like the Doctor’s use of the defibrillator paddles, sometimes a shock to the senses is all that is required to awaken us from our tedious torpor. For the real enemy is the mind of melancholy, which misses the living current of life’s wall socket, into which we are all plugged.

Such pants ruined. Much change of undies.

With the breeze of sanity and proper perspective at our backs, we can return the insult of incredulity to the real offender–the status quo–with a simple flick of the wrist.

I said no doilies!!!

As for Monday Miasma, some gasses pass… Others pass gasses. You decide your fate!

Images and gifs via: here, here, here, and here.

Monday Miasma # 10

Do you feel it? That sharp, piercing pain stabbing at the core of your being, shaking the very foundations of functionality…

It’s Monday.

In space, no one can hear your aneurisms.

Without warning or explanation, the inimical intrusion of the workweek descends upon us once more, irradiating us with irritation and inane industry.

You are now under our control. Until 5pm.

At our disposal, however, are years of training in the subtle arts of self-defense. With a sudden twist of the hips, we are able to divert the oncoming efforts of authority. By redirecting the mundane and hurling it over our shoulder, the sublime can be discovered.

Dramatic Reenactment.

The secret is to apply a healthy dose of flippancy, Judo-flippancy if you will, to our thinking and prioritization. We all have a job to do, but the real work is not to be done in by our jobs.

So crazy it just might work!

We can, and must, awaken within ourselves the perspective required to laugh in the face of degradation, knowing intimately that there is a magnanimous meme living in our hearts. Its sole purpose is to unlock our creativity and sense of self-worth. Its means are absurd, but its effects are irreplaceable and unmistakable:

“This is my happening and it freaks me out!!!”

Breathe deep. The internet is here for you. And so are we!

Gifs via: here and here. 

Monday Miasma # 9

Oh, the misery of Monday…

This wouldn’t have been as big a deal on Tuesday…

Like a forgotten memory, the miasmic swamp-gas of a nascent workweek wafts up into our sense fields, suddenly reminding us of the monster we mercifully misremembered.

Hello, old friend.

An unmistakable sense of dread permeates our being, seemingly indicating the need to take action.

The spider sense borders on precog… Oh, nevermind.