Monday Miasma # 19

Ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT a test… Please report to the nearest cubicle for reprograming.

IT’S MONDAY!

Andre the Client!

Some of us go to great lengths to escape the nagging sense of nihilism percolating within like the Mr. Coffee in the break-room of your nightmares. I myself always wanted to get into TV, but how I rue the day my wish came true…

You’re a star…

No matter where you are on the spectrum of wish fulfillment, Mondays can deliver a devastating blow to your relationship with reality. It is not uncommon to fold like a poor hand of cards under the tremendous weight of Monday’s onslaught, and collapse defeated into the Fourth Dimension.

Goodbye, cruel world.

Wednesday Every Wednesday # 12

Ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT a test. Comedy So Serious! has taken over your net-waves… DO NOT attempt to adjust your dials.

Do you even understand that now antiquated reference to a bygone technology?

Well, DO NOT attempt to open a new tab because…

IT’S WEDNESDAY

Um… internet takeover?

I, your humble and recently abandoned editor, have been left alone at the helm of my own ship run aground. I am broadcasting to you from a remote island of cyber-solitude, screaming a message of questionable importance into the digital ocean-spray.

EVERYTHING IS NORMAL, FINE, NOT WORRISOME AT ALL

You need not doubt your senses as they survey the landscape. This is, indeed, a strange and troubling dystopian ecosystem. Rather than work in tandem, gaining momentum and accomplishing our aims, we are beset with predatory advances.

Office life…

The odds seem insurmountable, and if it were merely up to us alone we would surely succumb to the overwhelming negativity strewn in our paths.

Ouch, Sheep… but valid.

Editorial: It’s A Jungle… ‘IN’ Here

It’s been a while since our last post. My sincerest apologies to you, the reader. I have to admit, our troubles started when I made a claim that our writing staff’s jobs were “so easy, even monkeys could do them.” Outraged and offended, the entire staff of Comedy So Serious! staged a walkout. Needless to say, productivity has hit an all-time low.

I keep telling him to give it a second to load, but…

Yes, times have been tough for your modest moderator of internet inanity. With a staff comprised mainly of ill-tempered Baboons–and one Gibbon–I’ve spent most of my days hiding under my desk, tossing binders into the office across from me to misdirect the pack of savage simians. And although I’ve had numerous ideas for titillating editorials, the sound of typing on my keyboard incites murderous rage from the eldest Baboon. Fortune smiled upon me, however, in the form of a phone call!

Different phone call…

I picked up the receiver as fast as I could so as not to alert the monkeys and whispered, “Sal’s Pizzeria & Crematorium: We bake for your wake…” As I listened to the chilling, crackled voice on the other end of the line, it became apparent who had called me…

My Publisher

DEADLINES!!!

My publisher failed to see the heroism of cracking jokes at a time like that–monkeying around while the monkeys are around, if you will… YES! Still got it!–and instead offered some constructive criticism regarding the site, most of which I completely agree with.

I can totally see where you’re coming from…

And after several long pauses and awkward interruptions, my publisher offhandedly mentioned that local animal-control had received reports about monkeys in the area. She informed me to avoid the office; I informed her that I voided my bowels in the office, and we hung up mutually reassured, I’m sure.

Editorial: Notes From The Undernet

Time has a way of sneaking by. The routines of necessity have a way of sinking in. And we, the unwitting recipients of this modern era, have a way of slacking off. But there is a limit to how settled into the sameness of our circumstances we can become.

Eventually, every cog has his day.

Pictured: Eternity

But when the going gets tough, do as the Romans, I always say. There comes a time when we’ve got to take the gloves off–along with the scarf, hat, and intergalactic space-shades–and show them all who we really are!

Beautiful… no matter what they say.

Each of us is replete with a wealth of accumulated knowledge and experience, having traveled the world via Google Earth like an obese, tech-savvy internet-tabby.

It’s a real thing.

And, along our journey, we find that all the secrets of the cosmos are within hand’s reach.

“To see the whole world in a grain of fingernail dirt”

Reaffirming my philosophy of intense, rigorous, and relentless snuggling.

Master of The Universe

And while my aforementioned philosophical disposition might be a contributing factor in our blog’s decreased activity, we feel that our audience is satisfied.

Hmmm…

We simply couldn’t live with ourselves if we didn’t deliver the most informative, relevant, and pressing information to our readers…

Monday Miasma # 18

As the sun rises, all eye are on you. The weekend departs as quickly as it arrives–and as mysteriously–leaving us with the shattered fragments of wishes unfulfilled.

“Eye need you to come in to work.”

And as gratifying as it may be to unleash the pent-up animal-rage that’s been percolating inside of us on an unsuspecting inanimate object, say an alarm clock, we simply can’t afford to keep buying alarm clocks on our current salary.

Kill, Bill

And so begins again the Great Paper Chase. A lifelong, elliptical, and distracting pursuit of necessity, otherwise known as modern life.

NEED IT, GOTTA HAVE IT!

Editorial: It’s A Jungle Out Here

The world can be a very, very strange place.

EVERY. DAMN. DAY.

In this mixed up skirmish for survival, men have been driven to great lengths… And, depending on the car’s mileage, some have even made it to Bat Country, NV.

An alert driver is a safe driver…

It takes a lot of courage and a strong will (Shatner) to resist the numbness of deep space, whilst traveling aboard this doomed starship.

“Stop almost hittin’ yourself. Stop almost hittin’ yourself!”

And when you least expect it, a stranger wearing a fashionable sky-cap–perhaps a Fedora, or a Trilby… or maybe a Pork Pie!–shows up and condescendingly waves his hands in front of your face, saying

Monday Miasma # 16

Ah, the first Monday of the New Year. It feels–if you’ll allow it–so much like the Mondays of yesteryear…

New Year’s Resolution: Learn hands.

No matter how many cups of coffee are imbibed, or extra hours spent sobbing in the shower, the dim demands of a new workweek have extended their reach to us. We must traverse the corridor of capitalism once more.

“Nope… back to the shower.”

Our reflexes are slow, our minds sluggish, and our expressions are frozen “Oh Noez!” of torpid terror.

“Oh, yez!”

The Merry-Go-Round of this modern life is punctuated with Monday’s bog of banality. But, with a little creepy and threatening encouragement we can surmount anything…

“Good talk…”

A touch of positive reinforcement never hurt either, so here’s a wizened little dog mixing a martini for you. Should be ready about the time you get back home.

Go to your Happy Place.

Gifs via: here, here, here, here, and here. 

Monday Miasma # 14

Lo, and behold! The miasma of Monday is upon us once again!

If the workweek is a digestive track, then Monday is the primary cause of all allegorical acid-refulx.

Gimme a B! Gimme an A! Gimme a R! Gimme a F! What does that spell?!?!

The figurative face-plant that ensues scatters us in a myriad of directions, causing a small, invisible mutiny of motives within us. A hundred wishes wantonly wandering in different directions, seeking fulfillment that we intuit shan’t arrive.

“I’m up… I’m up. I’m down.”

And while we give our best at each juncture of challenge and opportunity, it seems that we are unable to perform the simple tasks required to function adequately.

Nailed it.

Wednesday Every Wednesday # 10

What’s that you say?!

It’s Wednesday?!?!

Dramatic chipmunk ain’t got nothing on her.

Yes, dear readers! Wednesday has arrived, bringing with it the sweet fragrance of Friday! The currents of our capitalistic confines are rapidly changing!

Very rapidly changing…

Today we deliver the sudden, fortuitous parry that thwarts the oncoming blow of the banal, sublimating our burdens into the potentiality of a weekend well spent!

Wednesday will knock you into next Thorsday!

With an animated tear in our frighteningly malformed faces, we await the sunset of the strained workweek. We’ve made it this far; there is only a short distance yet to be traveled by us, the worldweary and wondrous.

I’m so excited… and it’s literally impossible to hide it…

So rally your spirits! Gather your strength! And go forth into the fray! Before long, Friday will appear before us like the majestic unicorn of unrestraint that is!

“They see me rollin’, they hatin’…”

Gifs via: here, here, here, here, and here.. 

Gif Not Now, Then When # 16

Behold! The behemoth of boredom has reared its hideous head once again!

Custom reading glasses are so expensive.

It may seem that all we can do is hope and pray for a remedy to our humdrum routines, but that would be selling ourselves short. For the powers of intuition and intelligence are ever at our disposal!

Praydar activated!

We must awaken the 16 bit shark slumbering within each of us, and chomp down on the chum of the conventional!

The Great White Snark.

The search for power and inspiration must include the breaking of every block before us. The pursuit of profligacy must plunge into the depths of every pipe, taking us on a journey of unexplored underworlds.

Level Nic-thousand.

For inspiration, like a virulent virus, is contagious. The light we seek to radiate must emanate from within before it can be shared or seen by the world.

Transmission of the lamp.

Despite undo hardships, rigorous writer’s block, and delirium inducing doldrums, we must endure. Here’s hoping that this small measure of Gif-ery shakes lose a few leaves from the branches of the banal, dropping the acorns of awakening into the soil of creative satisfaction!

Gifs via: here, here, here, here, and here.